DutchBeingMe

Feelings about change…

Written on April 29, 2012

It’s been another one of “those” weeks where I’ve let life kind of dictate what I’m doing rather than planning and scheduling things the way I want to have them. Granted, on most of the days I wouldn’t change a thing.

Like my impromptu visit with my brother and nephew (and sister-in-law when she got home from her meeting) on Tuesday night.

Or on Wednesday having a taco dinner with my parents and the same brother/SIL/nephew when the rain started to fall thus ruining the chances of the walk I had planned with my aunt.

But so goes life.

Everything changes.

I’m in the midst of a life change myself. But I have no idea what lies ahead. I’m at a crossroads where I have 2 very viable, but very different options. Both options get me excited… but both options scare the hell out of me.

And I have to choose one of them because as I’ve said {for far too long on this blog}, I need something different in my life. To not be in this place. To be somewhere that I feel more alive. To do something in my life where I feel there is meaning.

The thing with change… especially for me having lived in the same place for my entire life… is that you lose the community you are a part of. And after gathering with others to watch the (in)RL event and being part of a fundraiser for friends this weekend, it’s hard for me to think about changing something like community… something {for me} that is so big and meaningful in my life.

It’s the thing that keeps me from feeling so alone.

It’s the thing {along with family} that has kept me in this area I think.

But I’m getting the sense that God has something big for me… if I change something big. Like that whole “stepping out in faith” thing.

I just have to do it.

Even if it scares the hell out of me.

How do you feel about change?

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Stream of Consciousness Sunday

So I had a dream…

Written on April 18, 2012

It’s not often that I remember the dreams I have. When I do, it’s less often that I actually write things down to “analyze” them later. But that’s what I did this morning.

There were 3 parts of the dream I had (well, that I remember at least)… and I went to “DreamMoods.com” to get the interpretations. (I also tried to find a Christian dream interpretation site, but none listed any of these items.)

*The dream portions are in black, the “interpretations” are in red*

Pregnant but lost baby very late term. Never felt the baby kick.

To dream that you are pregnant with the baby dying inside of you suggests that a project you had put a lot of effort into is falling apart and slowly deteriorating. Nothing is working out the way you had anticipated.

Had a drinking problem.

To dream that you are consuming alcohol in excess signifies feelings of inadequacy, worries, regrets and fears of being discovered for who you really are. You are using alcohol as a way to escape or as an excuse for something you did.

Was about to adopt another baby.

To dream that you or others are adopting a child indicates that you are taking on something new and different. Ask yourself what is missing in your life that would make you happy.

What does it all mean to me?

I’m kind of at a loss. I *think* I know what project this dream is about… but I don’t know if I’m ready to accept that interpretation that it’s falling apart. Although, the “nothing working out the way you anticipated” is kind of spot on.

After writing about my shame the other day, I would agree completely with the 2nd portion of the interpretation.

Finally… I wonder if the “taking on something new or different” is because the first part of the interpretation. If that’s the case, my excitement increases ten-fold. Why? Because I know that if something doesn’t work out… that there is hope for something new on the other side.

So… what do you think?

photo credit: thesaint on Stock.xchng

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Pondering Thoughts

Shame…

Written on April 16, 2012

I don’t know really when the thoughts started. But I know it was well before I entered middle school.

Thoughts that I wasn’t good enough. That I didn’t belong or fit in. That really no one cared. Even though it wasn’t true, I still fought the shame that came with this.

The shame of having red hair and being different than everyone. The shame of developing early and being overweight. The shame of not being athletic or on the honor roll or creatively gifted. The shame of never having a boyfriend.

Anything I “tried out” for, I was rejected from. Even with the things everyone was involved with, I struggled with finding a group that wanted me – friends that would include me.

I never knew where I’d fit.

And so eventually I just gave up.

By my senior year of high school – the only year I truly felt like I had true friends – it was hard for me to trust people. I chose a major in college that came easy to me – but not one that I really enjoyed once I got out into “the real world.”

But I’ve shared most of this before.

Yesterday, I read a moving piece by Brene Brown about shame on CNN.com – and how shame is the centerpiece for the problems in our country. How shame doesn’t help anyone lose weight or get out of debt. How shame fuels addictions and sickness.

And I’m guilty of shame.

I’m guilty of being ashamed of my own self. Being ashamed that while I have a job that I am good at and can do, that I do not love it and yearn each day to do something more meaningful with my life. Of being ashamed that I could not maintain the weight loss I had worked so hard to achieve – and losing this control while working at a gym. Of being ashamed that I once again have debts to pay after being debt free (with the exception of student loans and a mortgage). And finally, being ashamed that I am not in a relationship and wondering what I am doing wrong or why I’m not attracting anyone to stand by my side.

I find myself in this shame – wondering how other people are judging me, whether they truly are or not – on a daily basis. Even when I shouldn’t be ashamed of what I am doing. And especially when people aren’t judging me.

But I still find myself in it. I still find myself ridiculing myself and tearing myself down more and more.

I suffer from shame.

And I need to put an end to it.

Do you suffer from shame? How do (or did) you deal with this?

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All About Me, Pondering Thoughts

#Drawestin: Amazing drawings…

Written on April 4, 2012

I have a love/hate relationship with #DrawSomething. On one hand I love the creativity. But I am not as “skilled” at drawing as I once thought. I have fun with it anyway when I can.

“Marge”

“Statue of Liberty”

On the other hand, I have a couple of friends that are AWESOME at Draw Something.

I mean, I was AMAZED at the level of talent Cara has with this game.

Although, I have an alternate title for this “Gorilla” that Cara drew. (One that I’m *NOT* saying on this blog.)

Alycia is another one that is talented with the creativity in Draw Something.

And now that I’m linking up with Amanda and Hutch each week for #Drawestin, you can expect that I’ll be playing… and drawing… more on this game now. (Oh and I guess that’s fair warning that your drawings could be subject to picture taking as well.

DRAWSTIN a Draw Something Linkup with @AmandaAustin and @AwesomeHutch

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Finally… I kind of got a kick out of Shelley “tagging” me to have Coffee with her. Especially since I don’t drink coffee. LOL

And while I’m going to be giving up the Diet Coke soon – it hasn’t been given up yet.

So here I am… enjoying my diet coke (and being silly) this morning. It may be my last diet coke for a while.

*Hold Me*

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Drawestin