I have my first post up over at Prime Parents Club. Would love if you would take a look…

Have you ever thought about what would happen to your FaceBook page, Twitter account, email, or even your blog if you would pass away, become ill or incapacitated? Do you have a plan in place should something happen to you? Does your family know what you would like to do? Do you have friends or family that would contact your social media connections to let them know?

Read more about this over at Prime Parents Club…

Camping has been a part of my family since before I was born. Going out and enjoying the great outdoors, sleeping in close quarters and just being able to enjoy the campfires and community with each other is something that happened each and every summer. But another thing that I did in elementary school was go to summer camp for a week. I remember sleeping in the bunks, jumping in the pool, singing songs around the campfire and just getting to know the kids that were around me.

In high school the closest thing I had to summer camp were my youth group experiences at Colorado Challenge. And I can honestly say, going out to Colorado those two summers was a pure highlight and showed me that I was blessed with some of the best friends a girl could have. Without those summers, I don’t know where I would be right now.

My brother, Mike, has first hand knowledge of summer camp. He worked at a camp in Michigan for 8 years – 4 as summer staff and 4 years on-site full time. You don’t have to look far to see how much the camp experience changed my brother’s life – and especially the passion he still has about how lives are changed when kids are there.

I’ll let him tell you…

Summer Camp is transformational.

There are so many stories that can be told about children who go to camp and end the week a different kid.

A story that can be told for countless kids I’ve encountered begins with timidity and cautiousness.

One week that stands out is about Brian. He was not sure of his surroundings when he arrived or if he really wanted to be at camp. He began the week by not fully participating in the games, and barely doing the motions for the fun camp songs. With the encouragement from his cabin group and camp counselor, Brian started too engaged in the fun.

By the time he left camp, Brian broke out of his shell to take on the climbing wall, zoom down the zip line, ride a horse and take in multiple jumps off the floating dock in the lake. A few weeks later, a letter arrived from mom thanking the counselor for all they had done and talking about the confidence Brian has had since camp. Summer camp was transformational for Brian!

As you can tell from Mike’s experience with watching Brian’s life change… summer camp experiences – simply put – help kids understand who they are and what they can do. It’s a place that brings them confidence and helps them make new friends.

Right now, the SITS girls are hosting a giveaway for a week at summer camp in Colorado. I’ve checked out the website and looked at all of the different activities that the kids would be able to do… and I’m jealous. I want to go!

But instead, because I don’t quite fit the age range (why can’t there be a summer camp for adults?!) and don’t have kids of my own… I am entering to win a session of Colorado summer camp for a child at Altogether Outdoors from The SITS Girls! so that one kid who might not have been able to go will get a scholorship and experience something they may have not been able to before. To see all that he or she can do. To be amazed at the abilities they have. And quite possibly… to see their life changed.

That would be my hope. Because all kids should know how special they are – and that they can do anything in the world.

Do you have any summer camp experiences?

Would you want to send your child to Altogether Outdoors in Colorado for a week? Check out the giveaway at SITSgirls.com right now!

This post was sponsored by thesitsgirls.com.

I cried this morning as I got ready for work. I don’t often do that. But I also don’t often weigh myself either.

But I’m starting a new journey… or rather, continuing my journey. I’ve shared my weight loss journey before – especially the highs when I reached goal weight and maintained it for nearly 18 months.

Then the voices in my head became louder and more pronounced, telling me that I am not worth it. Telling me that I am not beautiful and that no one will ever love me. Telling me lies day after day. And I started to believe these lies.

I started to not feel like myself. I started to gain weight and recommit each Monday to a new weight loss plan or idea or book that might help me.

But nothing every seemed to change. Really I did nothing to change the addiction that held me. The addiction to fast food. The addiction to diet soda. And the addiction to over-eating in private.

So now I’m getting honest. Honest with myself and with you. (As you will see in a moment… REALLY honest.)

Over the last nearly 2 years, I’ve been to countless (well, I *could* probably count them, but I won’t) therapy appointments. I’ve been to numerous doctors appointments.

My goal weight is approximately 160 pounds.

Which means I’ve gained more than 115 pounds in about 2 years.

This brings the shame that I spoke about before.

This brings fear. This bring tears. This brings sadness.

I don’t want to be like this. I’ve said it a million and one times here before, and I’ll probably say it a million and one times again.

But I want to be wearing my size 8 jeans comfortably again. Not squeezing into size (maybe) 20 jeans.

I want to shop in the stores where I have multitudes of choices. Not limited to a few stores where I feel horrible each time walking in.

And one of my biggest fears is seeing the “300″ number on the scale again.

So I’m starting on a journey today – a two-month journey – where I’ve put my money where my mouth is and signed up for the #iWillRockThis weight loss challenge with Wendy.

If I win – I get multitudes of awesome prizes. If I don’t officially win… well, then I win just by losing weight I hadn’t worked at losing before. So really… it’s a win/win situation for me.

I need support. If you live near me, ask me to take a walk with you. If you don’t, maybe we can go on a virtual walk together. Maybe you have some great recipe or cooking ideas for this (seriously!) ever so picky eater. I’m going to work to get back to eating whole, real foods as my priority. But that means I have to go grocery shopping too.

If you are on My Fitness Pal or MapMyRun… be sure to find me there. I’d love for some support as I’m tracking my food each day.

I’m hoping that this “funk” I’m feeling after this morning’s weigh in will wear off soon… because I’m anxious to lose some weight and get back to a healthy life.

Over the past couple of years I’ve been an (in)Courage stalker. Periodically reading a post here and there… finding nuggets of wisdom, being humbled and/or encouraged, as well as learning about myself – and that I’m not alone – along the way.

And then I heard about the (in)RL “conference” that would be held locally all over the world. That anyone could join in no matter where you lived. And then my friend Jen said that she would be hosting one in nearby Grand Rapids.

I was in. Even though I was skeptical about what I was going to learn and wondering who I was going to meet while there. And especially with how I’ve been feeling about my faith lately. {But that’s a whole other story for another time.}

Words cannot begin to express the gratitude that I did. Not only did I cry on Friday night… I felt a leading to do something and take a chance like I haven’t felt in a long time. On Saturday, I met new friends, reconnected with those I’ve known and felt a peace throughout it all.

There were wonderful words spoken by so many gifted women. There were stories of community, stories that brought hope and stories that brought tears. And there was chocolate. {An essential for any gathering of this type!}

The one big thing that I walked away from this all is that I need community. I need people surrounding me. Whether this is family, “in real life” friends or “online buddies”… I need people that know me and know my heart. People that understand when I say that I’m “fine” or “ok” that my world is silently falling apart around me and that confusion is reigning supreme. People that will rejoice with me in where I go next and cry with me about how scared I am. People that will assure me that all will be ok.

I don’t know where I’ll be a year from now. I may be here in Holland… in Grand Rapids… or maybe in another place somewhere around the world.

But I do know one thing.

I will always have my local community. My blogging friends. And the (in)courage community.

And I will be at {in}RL in 2013. I’m already looking forward to it.

A very special thank you to the team of authors and everyone behind the scenes at (in)courage and Dayspring for putting this together. And especially to Lisa-Jo for being on twitter Friday night, and for what seemed like the ENTIRE day on Saturday (and most of Sunday too)… the inspirational messages and tweets that she shared throughout the time online was uplifting to so many and each of us was blessed by the work that she did.

Did you attend an (in)RL gathering? What were your thoughts?

It’s been another one of “those” weeks where I’ve let life kind of dictate what I’m doing rather than planning and scheduling things the way I want to have them. Granted, on most of the days I wouldn’t change a thing.

Like my impromptu visit with my brother and nephew (and sister-in-law when she got home from her meeting) on Tuesday night.

Or on Wednesday having a taco dinner with my parents and the same brother/SIL/nephew when the rain started to fall thus ruining the chances of the walk I had planned with my aunt.

But so goes life.

Everything changes.

I’m in the midst of a life change myself. But I have no idea what lies ahead. I’m at a crossroads where I have 2 very viable, but very different options. Both options get me excited… but both options scare the hell out of me.

And I have to choose one of them because as I’ve said {for far too long on this blog}, I need something different in my life. To not be in this place. To be somewhere that I feel more alive. To do something in my life where I feel there is meaning.

The thing with change… especially for me having lived in the same place for my entire life… is that you lose the community you are a part of. And after gathering with others to watch the (in)RL event and being part of a fundraiser for friends this weekend, it’s hard for me to think about changing something like community… something {for me} that is so big and meaningful in my life.

It’s the thing that keeps me from feeling so alone.

It’s the thing {along with family} that has kept me in this area I think.

But I’m getting the sense that God has something big for me… if I change something big. Like that whole “stepping out in faith” thing.

I just have to do it.

Even if it scares the hell out of me.

How do you feel about change?

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This post is linked up with…

It’s not often that I remember the dreams I have. When I do, it’s less often that I actually write things down to “analyze” them later. But that’s what I did this morning.

There were 3 parts of the dream I had (well, that I remember at least)… and I went to “DreamMoods.com” to get the interpretations. (I also tried to find a Christian dream interpretation site, but none listed any of these items.)

*The dream portions are in black, the “interpretations” are in red*
 
 

Pregnant but lost baby very late term. Never felt the baby kick.

To dream that you are pregnant with the baby dying inside of you suggests that a project you had put a lot of effort into is falling apart and slowly deteriorating. Nothing is working out the way you had anticipated.

Had a drinking problem.

To dream that you are consuming alcohol in excess signifies feelings of inadequacy, worries, regrets and fears of being discovered for who you really are. You are using alcohol as a way to escape or as an excuse for something you did.

Was about to adopt another baby.

To dream that you or others are adopting a child indicates that you are taking on something new and different. Ask yourself what is missing in your life that would make you happy.

What does it all mean to me?

I’m kind of at a loss. I *think* I know what project this dream is about… but I don’t know if I’m ready to accept that interpretation that it’s falling apart. Although, the “nothing working out the way you anticipated” is kind of spot on.

After writing about my shame the other day, I would agree completely with the 2nd portion of the interpretation.

Finally… I wonder if the “taking on something new or different” is because the first part of the interpretation. If that’s the case, my excitement increases ten-fold. Why? Because I know that if something doesn’t work out… that there is hope for something new on the other side.

So… what do you think?
 
 
photo credit: thesaint on Stock.xchng

I don’t know really when the thoughts started. But I know it was well before I entered middle school.

Thoughts that I wasn’t good enough. That I didn’t belong or fit in. That really no one cared. Even though it wasn’t true, I still fought the shame that came with this.

The shame of having red hair and being different than everyone. The shame of developing early and being overweight. The shame of not being athletic or on the honor roll or creatively gifted. The shame of never having a boyfriend.

Anything I “tried out” for, I was rejected from. Even with the things everyone was involved with, I struggled with finding a group that wanted me – friends that would include me.

I never knew where I’d fit.

And so eventually I just gave up.

By my senior year of high school – the only year I truly felt like I had true friends – it was hard for me to trust people. I chose a major in college that came easy to me – but not one that I really enjoyed once I got out into “the real world.”

But I’ve shared most of this before.

Yesterday, I read a moving piece by Brene Brown about shame on CNN.com – and how shame is the centerpiece for the problems in our country. How shame doesn’t help anyone lose weight or get out of debt. How shame fuels addictions and sickness.

And I’m guilty of shame.

I’m guilty of being ashamed of my own self. Being ashamed that while I have a job that I am good at and can do, that I do not love it and yearn each day to do something more meaningful with my life. Of being ashamed that I could not maintain the weight loss I had worked so hard to achieve – and losing this control while working at a gym. Of being ashamed that I once again have debts to pay after being debt free (with the exception of student loans and a mortgage). And finally, being ashamed that I am not in a relationship and wondering what I am doing wrong or why I’m not attracting anyone to stand by my side.

I find myself in this shame – wondering how other people are judging me, whether they truly are or not – on a daily basis. Even when I shouldn’t be ashamed of what I am doing. And especially when people aren’t judging me.

But I still find myself in it. I still find myself ridiculing myself and tearing myself down more and more.

I suffer from shame.

And I need to put an end to it.
 

Do you suffer from shame? How do (or did) you deal with this?

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I have a love/hate relationship with #DrawSomething. On one hand I love the creativity. But I am not as “skilled” at drawing as I once thought. I have fun with it anyway when I can.

On the other hand, I have a couple of friends that are AWESOME at Draw Something.

I mean, I was AMAZED at the level of talent Cara has with this game.

Although, I have an alternate title for this “Gorilla” that Cara drew. (One that I’m *NOT* saying on this blog.)

Alycia is another one that is talented with the creativity in Draw Something.

And now that I’m linking up with Amanda and Hutch each week for #Drawestin, you can expect that I’ll be playing… and drawing… more on this game now. (Oh and I guess that’s fair warning that your drawings could be subject to picture taking as well.

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Finally… I kind of got a kick out of Shelley “tagging” me to have Coffee with her. Especially since I don’t drink coffee. LOL

And while I’m going to be giving up the Diet Coke soon – it hasn’t been given up yet.

So here I am… enjoying my diet coke (and being silly) this morning. It may be my last diet coke for a while.

*Hold Me*

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]]> http://dutchbeingme.com/memes/drawestin/drawestin-amazing-drawings/feed/ 5 http://dutchbeingme.com/weight-loss/iquit/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=iquit http://dutchbeingme.com/weight-loss/iquit/#comments Mon, 02 Apr 2012 16:14:58 +0000 Julie http://dutchbeingme.com/?p=4864

There’s a point in life where – I believe – everyone has to come to the realization that they are in over their heads. Maybe more than one time. Maybe (like for me) every week or so. But nonetheless, quitting has to happen and it’s where I’ve been over the last few weeks.

I guess saying that I quit isn’t quite right because – for the most part – I’m just changing HOW I do things… not necessarily giving up on them.

Like for blogging. I’m not going to write every.single.day. But I am going to try to be here more often than I have been in the last month. I want to still write to get my feelings out – but not populate my blog with the same.old.stuff. each and every week. (Which yes, if you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, I do feel like I’m saying the “same.old.stuff” quite often.)

But the iQuit in this blog post title is about the things I’ve been doing – and haven’t been working for me.

Like…

…my gym membership. I *LOVE* my gym. But the problem is that I’ve been too busy to actually get out and go there – and when I do it’s only for classes. (Granted, the classes are great – but I’m finding myself missing said classes & then not motivating myself to get to the gym.)

My change: I bought Wii Fit Plus this weekend (and Zumba) – now I don’t have to leave my house if it’s rainy or cold (or I just feel like being a hermit) – and can utilize the Wii that is in my living room.

…Weight Watchers. Now don’t get me wrong – I succeeded with Weight Watchers before – and I *KNOW* I could do it again. But once again… I’m finding myself not attending meetings and being really lacking in tracking my food on their mobile app (I have no excuse). So it’s more of a money thing here for me. I’m not using it – so therefore I shouldn’t be paying for it.

My change: Using free apps like “My Fitness Pal” or “Lose It” to get into the habit of tracking.

…eating out all the time. I am the poster child right now of what you shouldn’t do. I’ve gained 100 pounds back after reaching my goal weight in October 2008. And I will admit, if I don’t have a plan for food – I *will* eat out each and every day (or more than once a day.)

My change: I started reading a couple of books over the weekend that had been recommended to me. (I haven’t gotten far in either of them.) The first is called “Eat Right 4 your Type” – and breaks down what foods are best for the blood type that you have. The second is called “Why Women Need Fat“ which has started to show me how much the “diet” foods that are produced by companies are so bad for us. I’m going to start working to get back into the cooking mindset (if what I do in the kitchen is in fact anything “cooking” related) and then work to cut out as much of this “reduced fat” stuff out of my diet all together.

PS… this also means I’m going to start working to rid myself of Diet Coke again. *Hold Me*

…leaving the Mamavation group. This one is hard for me. I enjoy being part of this group – and look up to the leadership greatly – but I am not made for this group. I’m not a mother (and don’t know if I ever will be) and often times feel singled out for this. I also don’t have many people “interact” with me on the twitter hashtag, which has made me feel very alone lately – and ironically the “being left out/alone” thing is one of the main “causes/reasons/roots” to why I gained weight back in the middle school/high school/college years.

My change: Joining with some blog/social media friends to form our own accountability group on FaceBook. Nothing “organized”, but a way to check in with others to keep up on what we’re doing right and wrong (and to offer helpful suggestions along the way.)

…looking at life so negatively. I don’t want to be a complainer – I’ve spent most of my life doing just that. Especially if something isn’t going my way – or how I think is fair for myself or others. I speak up. But I rarely tell people how much I am blessed by knowing them. I rarely share how much something has made me feel “full” (emotionally) inside.

My change: Starting yesterday on twitter… and likely continuing soon on Facebook… I am telling people that I am grateful for them. That I truly value their friendship. That I am blessed for knowing them. And if you are reading this – I am blessed by knowing YOU.

All I know right now is that I need some change. Hopefully these changes will be for the good.

*Affiliate links are included in this post.

]]> http://dutchbeingme.com/weight-loss/iquit/feed/ 8 http://dutchbeingme.com/all-about-me/i-dont-wanna/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=i-dont-wanna http://dutchbeingme.com/all-about-me/i-dont-wanna/#comments Sun, 01 Apr 2012 20:58:54 +0000 Julie http://dutchbeingme.com/?p=4862

It’s April one… halfway from my last birthday and halfway til my next… and believe it or not, I’m writing again today. Please don’t fall over shocked or something, I really wouldn’t want to be responsible for needing to call the medics or whatever. And quite the opposite from an April Fool’s Joke.

But I am back to writing regularly (hopefully) – starting with one of my favorite meme’s to write with – Stream of Conciousness Sunday with All Things Fadra.

Here’s the Writing Prompt from Fadra today… What are the things in your life right now that you just don’t want to do? But I’m going to take a little different take on it…

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Over the last few weeks, I’ve been finding myself getting to be more and more negative. Negative about work. Negative about future endeavors. Negative about myself. Negative about just anything.

And I want it to stop.

I don’t wanna…

…be that girl that doesn’t live out her dreams. The one that sits behind her computer wishing that things could happen, but never persuing anything that is really meaningful.

…be alone for the rest of my life. Granted, I do kind of like my own space and all the “me” time I get. But I’m suffering from “aloneness” much of the time – which is why I depend on friends on twitter, Facebook or wherever to keep me entertained.

…live in this town anymore. I know my parents (and probably brothers) don’t really want to hear it, but the plans are getting to be much more “in place” for this to happen in the future. (But this does directly relate to not living life.)

…keep hearing myself say that I want to change – my body, my eating habits, my weight, and/or anything to do with my physical appearance, the way my clothes fit, etc – and then not doing anything about it. (More about that tomorrow.)

…stop writing. I did that over the past two+ weeks and all it did was help me keep anger and frustration pent up inside of me.

I don’t wanna be a negative person.

So I’m going to start looking at things differently. Look to those friends that mean so much to me and TELL them I am grateful for them. Be a person that is sharing light and love. Be someone that I can be proud to say that I am me… and I don’t wanna be anyone else.

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