This is one of those posts that I wish I would have kept my blog private for. A post about relationships… and the truth behind mine. It’s weird knowing that my parents and quite possibly my brothers (not to mention other family members) will read this at some point. And I can only imagine there will be that “elephant in the room” for the rest of my life. Especially when one of my brothers (you know who you are) will bring this up as a “joke” and I will walk out of the family gathering in tears.

All that to say… I’m writing this to find out that I’m either strange, weird, crazy… or simply not alone in these feelings or experiences. Although being a 30-something single woman, I’m pretty sure I am the only one out there like me.

I realized something when I was on the phone the other day with a friend. We had been talking about dating and how difficult it would be to find “the one”… especially when the chemistry isn’t there for one or both of the people.

And it hit me – I haven’t even dated enough to be socially acceptable. Seriously, it’s not like I’m turning down dates here, hence the reason I previously said I’d pretty much date anyone that asked. (And for the most part this is still true.) Why? Because I’ve only been asked out 3 times – and I’ve asked out someone once. There have been less than 10 dates in my entire life… all after 30.

One date was from a crazy stunt I pulled on a trip out of town. Something that in hindsight, I should have never agreed to in the first place. But I did… and if nothing else, I learned a lesson.

The date where I asked the guy out was someone I had known for quite sometime, but after the date I never heard from him again. This was ok with me. It was more like getting together with a long lost cousin.

Another guy I went out with was from one of the online dating sites. Almost all of the dates we went on, we were surrounded by other people… and the one where we were by ourselves, everything just felt wrong. Plus when we took a walk around town after, he walked about 10 paces in front of me. (Yes, I was the one that broke up that scenario shortly after… and yes, if he had held my hand, I might have considered keeping him around a little longer.)

The last guy was a blind date – it started out really awkward because the restaurant we met at was closed and we decided to just do drinks at a restaurant near my house. About 20 minutes after being there (and realizing how much he didn’t want to actually get to know me or talk about anything whatsoever), one of my brother’s friends walked in and sat down at the bar with his friends. I spent the rest of that date wishing I was on a date with that guy instead of who I was with.

That last date was March of 2009. More than a year ago now. And yes, I still have a crush… but I have no idea what he’s up to right now.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I don’t know why guys don’t want to ask me out… or if they do, I don’t know how to read “the signs“. I never went through that “growing up experience” because I was so overweight and secluded myself from it. It is beyond me on how to go up to them to a guy I like to ask him out because at my age you never know if anyone is really single. I’m not a girl that frequents the bar scene… especially since I don’t really have any friends that would want to go out with me. And I sure as hell don’t want to tag along with couples. I think that’s even worse.

Sometimes I’m afraid that this little “world” I’ve built online is increasing my solitude that much more.

I’m not sure what’s next… but obviously something has to change for me. Obviously something has to be different because what’s going on for me right now isn’t working.

So tell me.

Am I strange/weird/crazy because I can’t find dates? Am I alone in these thoughts?