Television is a funny thing to me. For years it provided the only true friendships I thought I could sustain. Really the only friendships I had. When a show ended, a little part of me died with those people who weren’t going to be “living” in front of me anymore.
That happened again tonight with “The Newsroom”. I went into the show tonight thinking that I could watch it before bed without any issue… and here I am after, tears rolling down my face, knowing that I won’t be able to sleep for a while.
A few of my “friends” are once again gone. Their lives seemingly continuing without being on the air. Love in their lives, babies on the way, new job opportunities abounding. They are living. And I will continue to as well… but my life without as much fanfare.
As I sit here trying to get over a cold that is doing its best to take over my body, I wonder how I ever got to the place where I substituted real life friends for these people in the box in my living room. Why I continue to place these people on a pedestal in my life when there are real people I should try to spend time with more and more.
And I wonder if it’s because I’m afraid of the hurt that goes along with real friendships. Because when the hurt happens, I run. It happened again this week… following the assumptions I made and the subsequent apology. I have only talked to a few friends since… and only spent time with one of them since.
I think I’m hiding from them. I’m hiding because I’m afraid. I don’t know exactly what I’m afraid of, but I have a feeling it has to do with losing them. After all, one of the main reasons I moved to this area was to be closer to them. And for the most part, since moving here, I see less of them than I had in the year prior.
That part has nothing to do with the events of the last two weeks. It’s just an observation I’ve made. Because, while I do love the apartment I’m living in (now that the heat has been fixed and the neighbors aren’t playing loud music for 12 hours on a Sunday), I actually find myself driving back and forth to Holland more than I had expected because people there want to spend time with me.
Which is funny… because when I lived there, that didn’t happen. Or really, it rarely happened.
So here I am trying to figure out why this is. Why my brothers/family and Holland friends suddenly want to be around me more than before… and why my local GR friends here I rarely see now that I am living here.
Which brings me back to the friends in the box in my living room… they seemingly are there for me no matter where I live. Maybe that’s why I feel so invested in them.
Or maybe it’s because they are living more than I am. But that’s another blog post for another time.