That crazy box…

Television is a funny thing to me. For years it provided the only true friendships I thought I could sustain. Really the only friendships I had. When a show ended, a little part of me died with those people who weren’t going to be “living” in front of me anymore.

That happened again tonight with “The Newsroom”. I went into the show tonight thinking that I could watch it before bed without any issue… and here I am after, tears rolling down my face, knowing that I won’t be able to sleep for a while.

A few of my “friends” are once again gone. Their lives seemingly continuing without being on the air. Love in their lives, babies on the way, new job opportunities abounding. They are living. And I will continue to as well… but my life without as much fanfare.

As I sit here trying to get over a cold that is doing its best to take over my body, I wonder how I ever got to the place where I substituted real life friends for these people in the box in my living room. Why I continue to place these people on a pedestal in my life when there are real people I should try to spend time with more and more.

And I wonder if it’s because I’m afraid of the hurt that goes along with real friendships. Because when the hurt happens, I run. It happened again this week… following the assumptions I made and the subsequent apology. I have only talked to a few friends since… and only spent time with one of them since.

I think I’m hiding from them. I’m hiding because I’m afraid. I don’t know exactly what I’m afraid of, but I have a feeling it has to do with losing them. After all, one of the main reasons I moved to this area was to be closer to them. And for the most part, since moving here, I see less of them than I had in the year prior.

That part has nothing to do with the events of the last two weeks. It’s just an observation I’ve made. Because, while I do love the apartment I’m living in (now that the heat has been fixed and the neighbors aren’t playing loud music for 12 hours on a Sunday), I actually find myself driving back and forth to Holland more than I had expected because people there want to spend time with me.

Which is funny… because when I lived there, that didn’t happen. Or really, it rarely happened.

So here I am trying to figure out why this is. Why my brothers/family and Holland friends suddenly want to be around me more than before… and why my local GR friends here I rarely see now that I am living here.

Which brings me back to the friends in the box in my living room… they seemingly are there for me no matter where I live. Maybe that’s why I feel so invested in them.

Or maybe it’s because they are living more than I am. But that’s another blog post for another time.

My Greatest Fear…

You know that day that you go to therapy all good and happy… and then find yourself in tears halfway through? Yeah… well that happened for me this past week. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. I had it all planned out. What I was going to talk about. What I had to tell my therapist. That I thought I was really making progress with some things.

But then that moment came where I found myself tearing up. I don’t even know how the subject progressed the way it did, but there I was… trying to get a grip on the things I feel. The shame I feel about so many things. When I was driving home, I started talking to myself (at least it wasn’t directed at crazy drivers!) and realized that I have to yet overcome the greatest fear I have.

The fear of being alone. Forever.

I will be the first person to admit that I do not know how to do relationships. Any of them. Romantic, friendships, family, anything. I’m winging it… so if it seems like I’m doing a good job and fitting in, I’m probably questioning myself about whether or not you really like me for me.

On the romantic front, I still wonder to this day if I will ever be on the receiving end of love. I mean I don’t want to think that I can’t, but for -now- 36 years of my life, I haven’t had someone who has ever wanted to be dedicated to me. I don’t know why that seems so important to me, but it is. Maybe it’s because of how ingrained into society it is, and maybe it’s because it really is my heart’s one true desire. I want nothing more than to have someone be committed to me and I to them. To be able to kiss them whenever I want. To be able to share a life with them.

But I have to be realistic. I am 36. The first question that goes through a guy’s head is “what the hell is wrong with her?” There’s a million things I can name here for myself. Probably because I see all my flaws, and for the most part, am not afraid to hide them.

Never been in long term relationship. I hide the parts of me that I’m ashamed of… because I’m afraid others will think less of me. Lost 150+ pounds… and then gained it back. Will never have any part of her that is “perfect” on her body. Have really only ever kissed one guy. Has grand dreams… but little follow through on them. Am afraid that I would be the stereotypical clingy girlfriend, even though that really isn’t me. Over-stays her welcome and doesn’t realize it until it’s too late. Can’t keep friends for more than 4 years. (Or so it seems.)

I am working on my issues. But there’s only so far I can go with them. I see the day where I will love me for me (I hope and pray, soon)… but what happens in 30 years if and/or when I’m alone at Christmas. Because my brother’s have their own families… I don’t want to be an annoying aunt that comes to random or in particular their own family parties. I don’t want them inviting me out of pity.

I am just afraid to be alone. And I guess because Valentine’s Day (and all the love surrounding it) is looming… I just had to write this all out.

I miss…

I was thinking the other day about all of the things I “miss”. There are various reasons why these things aren’t in my life at the moment, but in that moment, I couldn’t help but to write them down. And so I present to you, the things I miss right now.

I miss…

… a kitchen of my own with the pots and pans I have grown accustomed to cooking with over the years.

… my oversized chair that has seemed to help me create the novels (and blog posts) that I so dearly love writing.

… my closet full of clothes, so I need not do laundry every 2 weeks (seriously… it’s like clock-work).

… grass. (Which for those of you who know how much snow we have – and keep getting – it may be May before I see it again.)

… the podcasts I enjoy. There are a couple of them that I used to listen to regularly, but because I haven’t made them a priority, they sit there unheard.

… painting. I’ve done a little (and by that definition, little means 1 piece) painting in the last 6 weeks… but because the area that I live isn’t really set up for it, it makes it more difficult to do (and am afraid that I’d have a huge mess to clean up after.)

… sibling nights. Last year, my brothers and I decided that we would make spending time together a priority. It did for a few months, and then it’s been sporadic (at best) ever since. I really hope that my time spent with them (and their wives) moves higher on each of our lists this year.

… “Scandal”. Yes, the TV show. I need to find a way to watch it online because I missed some episodes that aren’t available on Hulu Plus. (*shakes fist in air*) The only other show that I’m not quite caught up on (meaning I’ve got 10 episodes sitting in my Hulu Plus queue), but don’t care quite as much, is Parenthood.

… my “Friends” dvds. While I love “Big Bang Theory” to no end, there is nothing like having some Monica, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Phoebe and Joey in your life. And right now, that’s sorely lacking for me.

Today I write these things here, in the hopes that with the hard work I’ve been doing this past year getting everything in my life in order, that I’ll be able to have each of these things in my life later in 2014… or at the latest, 2015. (I mean, I know I can’t control when I see the grass… but it’s got to come out sometime… right?!?)

Is there anything in your life that you miss?

My 2014 word…

A year ago, I chose a word and thought it was my word for 2013. But soon enough, things changed and soon enough I had a new word.

Embrace.

I embraced parts of new life throughout 2013… new friends that I am blessed with and new place to live after selling my condo. But at the same time, there were things that I didn’t embrace as much as I wish I had. My fitness routine, my faith journey, and my writing were some examples of this. With the goals for 2014 that I have identified to accomplish for the year, I also wanted to incorporate a word to focus on as well.

And I’m going back to the word I originally chose for myself at the beginning of last year. It’s almost as if I have grown into this word and it’s time for me to embrace it. (See what I did there?!) :)

My word for 2014 is…

Capture

I plan to create many things in my life. Create a new mindset for myself, because I am worthy and believe that God has a beautiful plan for my life. I will create deeper and more meaningful friendships with the cherished who are already in my life, as well as the new people that enter throughout the year. I will create memories with my nephews. I plan to make time to create a new me in the realm of fitness and weight loss. And most of all, I hope that there will be a new adventures created in a new home, in a new city… that will bring me laughter and joy.

I guess I have hope for the new year. I have a renewed sense of purpose. I want nothing more than for each of my goals to happen… for each of things on my 101 in 1001 list to be fulfilled. I know that in doing all of these things I will learn a lot about myself.

And I think that’s the best I can ask and hope for on the first day of this year.

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