That crazy box…

Television is a funny thing to me. For years it provided the only true friendships I thought I could sustain. Really the only friendships I had. When a show ended, a little part of me died with those people who weren’t going to be “living” in front of me anymore.

That happened again tonight with “The Newsroom”. I went into the show tonight thinking that I could watch it before bed without any issue… and here I am after, tears rolling down my face, knowing that I won’t be able to sleep for a while.

A few of my “friends” are once again gone. Their lives seemingly continuing without being on the air. Love in their lives, babies on the way, new job opportunities abounding. They are living. And I will continue to as well… but my life without as much fanfare.

As I sit here trying to get over a cold that is doing its best to take over my body, I wonder how I ever got to the place where I substituted real life friends for these people in the box in my living room. Why I continue to place these people on a pedestal in my life when there are real people I should try to spend time with more and more.

And I wonder if it’s because I’m afraid of the hurt that goes along with real friendships. Because when the hurt happens, I run. It happened again this week… following the assumptions I made and the subsequent apology. I have only talked to a few friends since… and only spent time with one of them since.

I think I’m hiding from them. I’m hiding because I’m afraid. I don’t know exactly what I’m afraid of, but I have a feeling it has to do with losing them. After all, one of the main reasons I moved to this area was to be closer to them. And for the most part, since moving here, I see less of them than I had in the year prior.

That part has nothing to do with the events of the last two weeks. It’s just an observation I’ve made. Because, while I do love the apartment I’m living in (now that the heat has been fixed and the neighbors aren’t playing loud music for 12 hours on a Sunday), I actually find myself driving back and forth to Holland more than I had expected because people there want to spend time with me.

Which is funny… because when I lived there, that didn’t happen. Or really, it rarely happened.

So here I am trying to figure out why this is. Why my brothers/family and Holland friends suddenly want to be around me more than before… and why my local GR friends here I rarely see now that I am living here.

Which brings me back to the friends in the box in my living room… they seemingly are there for me no matter where I live. Maybe that’s why I feel so invested in them.

Or maybe it’s because they are living more than I am. But that’s another blog post for another time.

The Diet Soda Debate in my Head…

For quite some time, I’ve had a love affair with diet soda. I have been drinking my fair share of it… probably too much… but the little jolt of caffeine that wakes me as I get to work, really take the edge off the morning. It’s kind of like my coffee.

But then I read all the stories online about the potential side effects that it has on you. Trust me, I read them. And they really do freak me out. Until this past week, I just plain wanted to ignore much of the research, much of the claims. I like my diet soda and the caffeine it provides to me. I like how it tastes. I like that it has zero calories. ;)

Earlier this week, I put two and two together. I realized the heartburn I have been feeling is likely caused by the amount of soda I’m drinking. And the fact that I’m not drinking enough water. There’s also that thing about getting older that probably plays a role into it all as well.

So I’ve decided to cut back. I’m not going to say give it up because, at least for me, I know that is a realistic goal in this moment. Ideally, someday, I’ll drink it so rarely that it won’t even taste good to me anymore. I got to that point once, so maybe… just maybe… it’ll happen again.

But at the same time, I don’t necessarily want to drink ONLY water… even though I know it’s the best for me. I mean, I get that I can always flavorize it. I can always put fruit slices in it and do some infusion thing. I can do a variety of things to change it up… but sometimes it’s nice to have a glass of soda with your lunch or dinner. And I really like starting my day out with it.

I’m at the point where I really do need to cut back or give it up. Where I need to make it less of a priority in my daily routine and bring water much more to the forefront.

Maybe if I do that… as one of the articles states… maybe the weight will come off easier too?

A public apology…

Last night I put a post up on my blog in the height of emotion. I know it’s something I shouldn’t do… in fact, it’s something I was told to always wait 12 hours in those cases. But for some reason, probably wanting attention, probably not knowing the full story, probably a multitude of other things, I put the post up. And many people read it.

To those that were affected directly by it, I apologize.

I assumed (and you know what they say about assuming things) that everyone knew of a decision I made. I assumed they had all been discussing it. I assumed they didn’t seem to care.

But that was not really the case at all.

Because nothing had been discussed and nothing had been laid out, I (once again – like I am prone to do) projected my feelings on to other people and making it feel like what they were doing was intentional, when it truly was not.

In the moment that the “reveal” happened, the moment of my uncomfortableness, turned out to be the moment of uncomfortableness to those that knew… And to those that didn’t. It was that feeling of awkwardness that when no one looked at me, that I found myself thinking all the things that people had been talking behind my back. When in reality, they felt as awkward about the whole situation as what I did.

Once again, for those that were directly affected, I apologize for projecting my feelings onto you. It is something I am working on… and something I know will come as the healing inside me takes place.

I don’t know of any other way to close this post other than to say the previous one has been taken down. Now I feel more awful and awkward about what I have said… And feel even worse about the words in that post that hurt the friends that I care about so much.

The songs of my life…

As I’ve been perusing the blog here in the last couple of days, it’s occurred to me that one part of my life – a big part – has been left untouched. And it’s really weird that I haven’t really mentioned it. So I’m going to copy my friend Jason’s recent post about music… and create my own list.

If you have been around me at all, you know that I like a wide variety of music. Like… well… just about anything. From some rap and (*gasp* I can’t believe I’m admitting this) some – VERY LITTLE – country to the more mainstream pop and alternative. From classical music to (some) heavy metal.

I discovered at the beginning of NaNo this year that I have purchased nearly 1000 songs through iTunes. And right now I only listen to a handful of them. (But I’m trying to change this after realizing the reality of this. I need to get my money’s worth, darn it!)

This is the list of the songs that are most listened to… {in no particular order}

  • Cups, Anna Kendrick (from the movie “Pitch Perfect”)
  • I Lived, One Republic
  • Let Her Go, Passenger
  • Say Something, A Great Big World & Christina Aguilara
  • Come Along, Vicci Martinez & Cee Lo Green
  • Turn Down for What, DJ Snake & Lil Jon {Believe it or not, this has got to be my 4 year old nephew’s favorite song.}
  • Where the River Flows, Collective Soul
  • Push It, Salt N Pepa
  • Dear No One, Tori Kelly
  • Let Me Go, Avril Lavigne (feat. Chad Kroger)
  • It’s My Life, Bon Jovi
  • Let Your Heart Hold Fast, Fort Atlantic
  • Dust to Dust, The Civil Wars
  • Crazy Kids, Ke$ha
  • My Sundown, Jimmy Eat World
  • Human, Christina Perri
  • The Monster, Eminem (feat. Rihanna)
  • Story of My Life, One Direction {I know, I know…}
  • It Must Have Been Love, Kathleen Edwards (cover)
  • Let Me Be Myself, Three Doors Down
  • This is How We Roll (Remix), Florida Georgia Line (feat. Jason Derulo & Luke Bryan)
  • I See the Light, Mandy Moore & Zachary Levi (from the movie “Tangled”)
  • Just Give Me a Reason, P!nk (feat. Nate Ruess)
  • Come To Me, The Goo Goo Dolls
  • Brave, Sarah Bareilles

And for the whole album experience… {I can’t just choose one or two}

  • Taylor Swift – 1989
  • Katy Perry – PRISM

So that’s what I’m listening to… you? Comments on my favorite songs????

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