You know that day that you go to therapy all good and happy… and then find yourself in tears halfway through? Yeah… well that happened for me this past week. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. I had it all planned out. What I was going to talk about. What I had to tell my therapist. That I thought I was really making progress with some things.
But then that moment came where I found myself tearing up. I don’t even know how the subject progressed the way it did, but there I was… trying to get a grip on the things I feel. The shame I feel about so many things. When I was driving home, I started talking to myself (at least it wasn’t directed at crazy drivers!) and realized that I have to yet overcome the greatest fear I have.
The fear of being alone. Forever.
I will be the first person to admit that I do not know how to do relationships. Any of them. Romantic, friendships, family, anything. I’m winging it… so if it seems like I’m doing a good job and fitting in, I’m probably questioning myself about whether or not you really like me for me.
On the romantic front, I still wonder to this day if I will ever be on the receiving end of love. I mean I don’t want to think that I can’t, but for -now- 36 years of my life, I haven’t had someone who has ever wanted to be dedicated to me. I don’t know why that seems so important to me, but it is. Maybe it’s because of how ingrained into society it is, and maybe it’s because it really is my heart’s one true desire. I want nothing more than to have someone be committed to me and I to them. To be able to kiss them whenever I want. To be able to share a life with them.
But I have to be realistic. I am 36. The first question that goes through a guy’s head is “what the hell is wrong with her?” There’s a million things I can name here for myself. Probably because I see all my flaws, and for the most part, am not afraid to hide them.
Never been in long term relationship. I hide the parts of me that I’m ashamed of… because I’m afraid others will think less of me. Lost 150+ pounds… and then gained it back. Will never have any part of her that is “perfect” on her body. Have really only ever kissed one guy. Has grand dreams… but little follow through on them. Am afraid that I would be the stereotypical clingy girlfriend, even though that really isn’t me. Over-stays her welcome and doesn’t realize it until it’s too late. Can’t keep friends for more than 4 years. (Or so it seems.)
I am working on my issues. But there’s only so far I can go with them. I see the day where I will love me for me (I hope and pray, soon)… but what happens in 30 years if and/or when I’m alone at Christmas. Because my brother’s have their own families… I don’t want to be an annoying aunt that comes to random or in particular their own family parties. I don’t want them inviting me out of pity.
I am just afraid to be alone. And I guess because Valentine’s Day (and all the love surrounding it) is looming… I just had to write this all out.