My Greatest Fear…

You know that day that you go to therapy all good and happy… and then find yourself in tears halfway through? Yeah… well that happened for me this past week. It wasn’t supposed to be that way. I had it all planned out. What I was going to talk about. What I had to tell my therapist. That I thought I was really making progress with some things.

But then that moment came where I found myself tearing up. I don’t even know how the subject progressed the way it did, but there I was… trying to get a grip on the things I feel. The shame I feel about so many things. When I was driving home, I started talking to myself (at least it wasn’t directed at crazy drivers!) and realized that I have to yet overcome the greatest fear I have.

The fear of being alone. Forever.

I will be the first person to admit that I do not know how to do relationships. Any of them. Romantic, friendships, family, anything. I’m winging it… so if it seems like I’m doing a good job and fitting in, I’m probably questioning myself about whether or not you really like me for me.

On the romantic front, I still wonder to this day if I will ever be on the receiving end of love. I mean I don’t want to think that I can’t, but for -now- 36 years of my life, I haven’t had someone who has ever wanted to be dedicated to me. I don’t know why that seems so important to me, but it is. Maybe it’s because of how ingrained into society it is, and maybe it’s because it really is my heart’s one true desire. I want nothing more than to have someone be committed to me and I to them. To be able to kiss them whenever I want. To be able to share a life with them.

But I have to be realistic. I am 36. The first question that goes through a guy’s head is “what the hell is wrong with her?” There’s a million things I can name here for myself. Probably because I see all my flaws, and for the most part, am not afraid to hide them.

Never been in long term relationship. I hide the parts of me that I’m ashamed of… because I’m afraid others will think less of me. Lost 150+ pounds… and then gained it back. Will never have any part of her that is “perfect” on her body. Have really only ever kissed one guy. Has grand dreams… but little follow through on them. Am afraid that I would be the stereotypical clingy girlfriend, even though that really isn’t me. Over-stays her welcome and doesn’t realize it until it’s too late. Can’t keep friends for more than 4 years. (Or so it seems.)

I am working on my issues. But there’s only so far I can go with them. I see the day where I will love me for me (I hope and pray, soon)… but what happens in 30 years if and/or when I’m alone at Christmas. Because my brother’s have their own families… I don’t want to be an annoying aunt that comes to random or in particular their own family parties. I don’t want them inviting me out of pity.

I am just afraid to be alone. And I guess because Valentine’s Day (and all the love surrounding it) is looming… I just had to write this all out.

Comments

  1. I just wanted you to know that I think you are remarkable. I’m a better person because of you.

    Big hugs.
    Shelley recently posted..It’s almost Valentine’s Day…My Profile

  2. TheNextMartha says:

    Hugs, friend. I think you’re fantastic.

  3. Julie, God is preparing your heart for something. The best thing you can do is just get ready for whatever it is. If you ever need anyone to talk to, you know where to find me– I’ve had a lot of the same feelings you have and have been where you are. It’s a tough road to go down and you are definitely not alone!!

  4. Colette Brunel says:

    Just wanted to let you know, I think you’re pretty great. Given, we only see each other during November, and I’m only in highs school, but that doesn’t that I think you’re pretty awesome. This is probably the worst thing to say, but God has a plan – and I know you’ll find someone. Have a happy valentines day :)

  5. Jules. I love you more than you know. You’re such a kindhearted person. To be unsure, is to be human. But I will tell you that love will not seek you out at a random time.

    Love will find you when you have found yourself. The best thing you can do, is to work on doing the things you love that make you happy. You are your biggest supporter and cheerleader. Of course friends help too :) But in all seriousness, to find someone to share your time with, is to focus on YOU. You and your passions; your goals.

    If you’re feeling lonely or scared, work on doing something you love. Work on an aspect of yourself. Not only will this help in the finding love category, but it will truly make you happy with who you are and your outlook on life. And if you need a hug or a kick in the pants, I’m a text away!

  6. Hi there, it sounds like you have some pretty great supportive friends here! Embrace them and believe them – they obviously care for you very much and will be there for you for more than 4 years :-)
    Can I suggest a couple of websites for you to check out? One is sugercoatit.com (yes, that’s suger with an “e”) She is an Aussie plus size blogger who really encourages girls to love themselves, no matter their size. She is very ispirational and full of sass – you might enjoy reading her posts.
    The second one is “the Berry daily motivation”. I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but it’s full of great recipes, and inspirational photos and stories. I know it’s helping me keep on track with my (seemingly eternal!!) healthy lifestyle desire.
    All the best with your journey. I’ll be here reading!

  7. I understand what you feel. Maybe you should wait the right one for you. Being alone is not something to fear of it is something to thank for because there is someone for sure like you waiting the right one that will totally makes you happy. Relax and wait.
    Des @ Vocational Courses recently posted..How Much Does It Cost To Get Esthetician Certification?My Profile

  8. May I just say what a comfort to uncover someone who really understands what they’re
    discussing over the internet. You actually know how to bring an issue to
    light and make it important. A lot more people have to look
    at this and understand this side of your story. I can’t believe you’re not more popular because you definitely have the gift.
    Josephine recently posted..JosephineMy Profile

Speak Your Mind

*

CommentLuv badge