I’m not giving up…

Ever since my birthday, I’ve been on an emotional streak of ups and downs. One day is great and the next 2 are a big ole bum deal. I went to Vegas for Bloggy Boot Camp {more on that tomorrow hopefully} and while I did enjoy the event as a whole, the vibe of this particular one was weird to me. Maybe I was overanalyzing things (which could totally be the case), but it just felt like there was an “inside” group and “outside” group this time around. I’ve never felt that at these events before… and I wonder if it was just because it was Vegas that it was like that.

I don’t know.

After getting back, I settled into “normal” life again… only to be proverbially hit over the head with an email I received. I have been more than up front with EVERYONE about my desire and feelings that now is the time that I move… only to be countered with a “what if you don’t find anything” type email.

(sarcasm) Confidence booster, anyone? (/sarcasm)

Shortly after this, I was talking to a friend, telling her about how I was feeling like a “fish out of water” about living in this area. Her response was something to the effect of that I would always feel this way no matter where I lived, until I got to heaven. And if I left, I would have to start over, build new friendships, etc. That maybe God didn’t want me moving away which was therefore the reason why I hadn’t received job offers thus far.

Talk about a punch in the gut.

Also – if this is supposed to be how one feels about the place they live in, how is it that more people don’t complain about it? How is it that more people don’t voice their helpless and hopeless feelings? How do others not feel the despair about their dreams not being realized?

Once again, I feel more alone than I do comforted.

While I am sure she was trying to make me feel better – and possibly at the same time encourage me to stay in this area (although I don’t know that for sure) – it literally has made me give up hope on many things. Give up some faith that I can handle change.

So these events have set my mood lately. These events have affected my confidence levels. These events have made me question – even more than I was already – my faith and my role in this community. I’m not sure of where to go or what to do about it all… but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am not meant to be here anymore.

Maybe I’ll end up in one of the cities I’ve talked for so long about going to {Chicago, DC, Philly, Indy}… or maybe I’ll end up in a warm weather situation {Atlanta, Miami, Austin, Dallas}… or maybe – (inevitably?) – God will say to go where I have never really opened my heart to going {San Francisco, Seattle, Alaska}.

Only time will tell. While I am disheartened, I’m not giving up. Not by a longshot.

Comments

  1. Good for you to keep at it. I’m no expert, but it seems to me big life changes like this — the ones we really, really want — rarely come without some struggles and some second-guessing. I’m trying to make a major life change too (although I can’t really discuss the details of it publicly), and I spent this weekend sulking over an email that set me back a few steps. We’ve just got to keep on keepin’ on, I guess. :) Sending you happy, positive thoughts.
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  2. Hmmm, maybe God is telling you that He has something more awesome than you can imagine & patience is the name of the game ;-). Or maybe I need to not speculate about what the Big Man has going on.

    What I know for sure is that giving up is not the answer. I also know that you have friends that love and support you through whatever comes your way. I am here to tell you that you aren’t the only one to feel this way but you are one of the few people to have the courage to talk about it. By doing so, I know that you are giving others a little of that courage and strength that I see in these words and that I know are in your heart!

    Love you girl!
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  3. I don’t think we can really know what God has in store. There’s also something to be said for listening to your instincts. Talking to a therapist, talking to friends…but also weighing everything together instead of putting too much stock into what a singular friend says—because she may have an agenda and she’s also NOT YOU. It’s her opinion and it sounds like it was unsolicited. Nice.

    I do believe you should think carefully before a big change and maybe even write out some lists (if you haven’t already done so) , or even free writes about what you envision happening in a new place. Maybe you really do need this change. But I can also see how others might view it as running away.

    I do know you’ve been talking a lot about eating your problems/issues. So maybe that is in there somewhere, too? I saw you tweet that the other night….some of us eat our problems. Some of us drink them. Some of us hurt ourselves in other ways, or take drugs, or are abusive, etc….we each cope differently (and not necessarily appropriately).

    Giving up isn’t the answer, you’re right.

    I agree that some conferences can seem very clique-y, so it’s entirely possible that was the case at BBC…and I’m sorry that happened to you. Been there, done that.

    xoxoxox LOVE YOU!
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  4. I’m so sorry that you’re not feeling supported in the way that you want to be. I try to put myself in your friends’ shoes. Perhaps they truly had good intentions and really will miss you when you leave, and they’re dealing with that while trying to support you – so maybe things aren’t said in the best way.

    I agree 100% with what Sili said. God truly knows what is best for us and when the time is right for us to make a change. This delay and frustration you feel in having to wait may be God’s way of preparing you a bit better for whatever lies ahead, rather than throwing you into a situation unawares.

    I remember very vividly at age 28 wondering why I had spent the last two years being miserable and why God wouldn’t answer my prayers to help me find a way to leave the practice of law. Two years I spent in absolute misery. Then, one day, I just knew it in my gut that change was coming, but I didn’t know what it was or when. The next three months of waiting for all of the pieces of God’s plan to fall together were agonizing, but looking back, it was so worth it. He didn’t answer my prayers in the way I expected, or by using the people I thought He would. Everything was a surprise and there would have been no way for me to anticipate or will those changes into happening. What I had planned for myself was much less drastic and less amazing then what was handed to me. And I believe it will be that way for you too. Right now, you need to try to relax, let go and wait for the signs. Try to trust that God will answer your prayers in the way that is best for you.

    Love you!
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  5. Oh friend. First of all, I just want to say – I am with you on the funk train lately. I can’t exactly figure out what it is, but something has my mood all over the place. It isn’t fun, so I am sorry you too are there.

    Secondly, I will say that your friend is KIND OF right. No matter where you are, you will always feel like a fish out of water at some time or another. I have moved many times, and have felt it even in places I love occasionally. I think that’s just life. But that said, there is a vast difference in how I feel about some of the places I have lived. While it almost always takes me about a year to “settle” into new surroundings and feel comfortable with my decision to pick up and start over (yes, I said a year – it really does usually take me that long), it has been worth it for me every single time. I grew up in Arizona. I was not happy in Arizona. Not even kind of. Nothing about it was “right” for me. And I thought the same things – that maybe in moving, I would come to realize that I would feel the same no matter where I went. But that hasn’t been true at all. I am so much happier where I am now than I was there, and now when I go back for visits – I can recognize the nostalgia and enjoy my time, but I am always so pumped to head back “home” when the visit is over. I think the same could very well be true for you. It’s just about figuring out what you want, and finding a place that accommodates that. And I truly believe that the right opportunities will come along when you do.

    Hold your head up lady. You are capable of so much more than you would ever believe, and there is something out there waiting for you – I just know it!

  6. I have complete and utter faith that you will move. And you will love it there and you will feel at home and you will become a true member of the community.

    Trust me – it’s going to happen. And when it does, you’ll look back and be shocked at how you could doubt it was going to.

  7. I feel this way to Jules! Hate this town -hate living in it. Most people don’t get that. I’m also working on it! When I pray for me in this area I’ll pray for you also….. I hate this feeling -I know you do too. I am waiting on an answer also!
    love ya!!!