This weekend was a cousin’s wedding. It was a gorgeous ceremony and fun reception filled with seeing people that I hadn’t seen in months… and in some cases, years.
Inevitably, the question always comes up “What are you doing now?”
There’s so much happening in my head that I don’t want to tell people, but yet there are always the questions of what is going to be happening with me. Sometimes I think it’s really people trying to figure out if I’ve met (or am dating) “the one” yet… or maybe it’s an icebreaker question that I just haven’t figured out how to answer.
I always answer “not much” because I truly don’t know what to tell people. Yes, I still work in the same job I’ve had for the last 10 years. Yes, I still don’t like the condo I bought 7 years ago. And yes, I’m still single.
You see, outside of this blog and twitter, I’m a fairly private person. I’m outgoing once you get to know me… but until that happens, I probably won’t say much. I don’t like to let my “real life” people into this little cocoon that I live in for some reason.
Well… unless, of course, if you read my blog and twitter stream. Then it’s like you know my thoughts.
So at the reception, the night was filled with me sharing that I am planning on moving. I want to leave this “tourist-y type” small city of Holland and move to the big city.
The thing is, no one seemed to understand why (or maybe they didn’t believe me?) I was doing this. They didn’t outwardly question why… but I could see it in their eyes. Don’t get me wrong, Holland is a great place to live… if you are married with kids. Add a church affiliation or two and you’ll fit in perfectly well. But for those of us that are 30+ and single, living here is a constant reminder of what we don’t have.
After all of the festivities were over (or rather, when I left the festivities), I went home quietly. Unlike after other weddings, I didn’t do anything drastic. I didn’t drink or buy anything. I just watched a (not great) movie… and realized once again that I want so much more out of this life. Much more than what Holland can provide to me.
I know I’m going to miss my family and friends here. I know I’m going to question myself (probably 1000 times over) on whether it was the right move. I know I’m going to scared and lonely at times. But really… I’m that here now too.
What I really wanted to say to many people that night was… I’m not like you. I’m not happy. I’m missing something in my life… but I don’t know what it is. I know I’ve talked about doing this for years. And I know I haven’t acted on it yet.
Unless I do this, I will always be left wondering what could have been.
I want to see what else this world has for me… and maybe even when I step out of this comfort zone I’ll find something bigger and better that God has planned for me.
So as soon as I find a new job, I’m leaving.
I won’t be calling Holland home anymore.
I’m just not sure where home is going to be yet.