What you don’t have…

Tonight it became evident to me that I have a major case of the “I wants”. I’m not sure where these feelings come from and why they appear so quickly out of thin air. It just feels like I’m missing out on something.

Everything. And I need to stop thinking about it.

I feel old… even though I’m merely 34 years old. I feel like this life isn’t going to amount to anything… even though I’m working so hard to change it.

Tonight it was a tweet from someone that they were 33 years old. A person I know that has 2 or 3 kids, a husband and what I see as a very happy life. {Although we all know it could be a facade, especially in the world on social media… but I digress.}

And I started wanting those things. The dates. The married life. And maybe even the kids.

<< And then I saw this ad appear on the sidebar of my blog as I was preparing this post. {sarcasm} Yeah, that makes me feel great! {/sarcasm}

But I'm feeling like it will never happen. Why? Because I'm almost 35 and haven't had more than a couple handfuls of dates. I've only been kissed once. I weigh 100+ pounds more than I did just a couple years ago and feel like no one will ever want to be with me.

Hell, I mean there are a lot of days I don't even want to be with myself.

I feel like a failure in all these things.

And what adds to this feeling is that tomorrow is the last day of the #iWillRockThis challenge. I didn’t lose anything in the past 8 weeks. In fact, I think officially – as of tomorrow morning’s weigh in that hasn’t happened yet – I gained.

{sarcasm} Obviously I feel *stellar* about this. {/sarcasm}

I know I want to lose the pounds again and be back at goal weight. I know I want to feel good exercising again. I know I want to fall in love. I know I want someone to fight for me. I know I want someone to love me. I want to have someone wrap their arms around me when I’m sad… or even when I’m happy. I want to not be alone anymore.

Really what it is… I just have to get past this feeling of failure. Past this feeling of being left out of not living life like what it seems what everyone else is doing or has. Past the feelings that I fear it will never happen for me.

I know I can get past it. Maybe I just need a good cry.

Overall, I know that if I keep the faith it will happen for me. I just have to believe it.

Because I was not created to be alone.

There is more to life than this.

There has to be more to life than this.

Comments

  1. Julie, there IS more to life that what you’re experiencing at the moment you wrote this. Sometimes it’s hard to see that though because we get consumed by ourselves. Everything around us is so big – goals to lose tens of pounds, moving, new career, not finding the right guys, housework, blogging, keeping up. It all begins to add to our own weight and it slows us down, sometimes even stops us.

    You’ve forgotten that you are beautiful and smart and funny and charming and a good friend and a great daughter and an excellent sibling. Not to mention so many other things I don’t even know about you.

    If you’ve been to the doctor and there is no medical reason for the weight gain (for me, I’ve got my eye squarely set on peri-menopause) then it’s likely the weight is your protection – both literally and figuratively – from having it “all”. It’s easy to set ourselves up for failure, but also we’re able to set ourselves up for success.

    You want all these things, but you don’t mention being happy. Happy doesn’t come with a certain weight or job or husband. Plenty of people are unhappy at work, or wanting to get out of relationships or even when think in our view are nitpicking themselves.

    You are an exceptional and extraordinary woman. Believe that you are and take baby steps to finding your happiness. Success will come, but you have to welcome it even if it looks differently than you imagined. Be thankful for all the wonderful things you DO have. Only then will more become visible to you.

    Don’t shame yourself for what you don’t have. Love yourself for what you do have.

    Your friend, Sara
    Sara at Saving For Someday recently posted..CVS Deals 7/1-7/7My Profile

  2. I see you. I never understand the why of things, I only get that there IS reason to the seeming madness., and a road to lead you to YOUR destination, which is quite unique and not like anyone else’s. And you’re so not a failure. I’d like to hug you now. I really get it, and I know it’s going to be OK. So for now? I’m sending light vibes. (And social media makes everyone feel like crap, because people only broadcast the good mostly, making everyone else think they suck. So grain of salt. XOXO.)
    San Diego Momma (Deb) recently posted..PROMPTuesday #197: Absurdities and OdditiesMy Profile

  3. I have been feeling what you are feeling a bit as well. I gained ALL the weight back that I worked so hard to lose and now I am doing something I never thought I would do…getting mad at skinny people b/c I don’t have what they have. I do not dwell on it though b/c I am aware that it is MY issue and no one else’s. Keep in mind that I am also happily married but it doesn’t make ‘my stuff’ easier to deal with. It’s just up to me to love me. The love I get from others is gravy. I am not going to be able to feel that love or feel deserving of that love unless I get ‘my stuff’ straightened out. Easier said than done, I know, believe me. It is there for you, just like I know it is for me.
    Scargosun recently posted..The Farmer Does What?!My Profile

  4. I’m with Sara. And I’ll add that as perhaps one you perceive as “having it all,” you know from talking to me that that isn’t the case. Yes, there are facades. I don’t try to hide mine, and you’ve seen me at my worst. Like Sara said, the weight is a form of self sabotage. Maybe you’re scared of how you would feel stripped down, pared down, without the illusion of a comfort zone (i.e. the extra pounds).

    Maybe the next time you go to put something naughty in your mouth—stop yourself. The next time you want to go to Culver’s, stop. Choose a piece of fruit and a big glass of water and reevaluate afterwards. See if you *really* want to go fill up with garbage. Splurging sometimes is fine, we all do it. But your body deserves better. YOU deserve better.

    Baby steps.

    You are a wonderful friend, a smart person, an amazing writer and now’s the time to put your foot down and take control. How can I help? What can I do? I will see you soon. We can make a plan together. But you have the power to start now. You just have to decide you are ready, and know that you CAN do it. You just have to WANT to do it. Strip down. Don’t be afraid of what’s underneath.

    You are beautiful.
    I love you.
    erin margolin recently posted..My Story Starts at the Round TableMy Profile

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