#iWillRockThis: Starting Out…

I cried this morning as I got ready for work. I don’t often do that. But I also don’t often weigh myself either.

But I’m starting a new journey… or rather, continuing my journey. I’ve shared my weight loss journey before – especially the highs when I reached goal weight and maintained it for nearly 18 months.

Then the voices in my head became louder and more pronounced, telling me that I am not worth it. Telling me that I am not beautiful and that no one will ever love me. Telling me lies day after day. And I started to believe these lies.

I started to not feel like myself. I started to gain weight and recommit each Monday to a new weight loss plan or idea or book that might help me.

But nothing every seemed to change. Really I did nothing to change the addiction that held me. The addiction to fast food. The addiction to diet soda. And the addiction to over-eating in private.

So now I’m getting honest. Honest with myself and with you. (As you will see in a moment… REALLY honest.)

Over the last nearly 2 years, I’ve been to countless (well, I *could* probably count them, but I won’t) therapy appointments. I’ve been to numerous doctors appointments.

My goal weight is approximately 160 pounds.

Which means I’ve gained more than 115 pounds in about 2 years.

This brings the shame that I spoke about before.

This brings fear. This bring tears. This brings sadness.

I don’t want to be like this. I’ve said it a million and one times here before, and I’ll probably say it a million and one times again.

But I want to be wearing my size 8 jeans comfortably again. Not squeezing into size (maybe) 20 jeans.

I want to shop in the stores where I have multitudes of choices. Not limited to a few stores where I feel horrible each time walking in.

And one of my biggest fears is seeing the “300” number on the scale again.

So I’m starting on a journey today – a two-month journey – where I’ve put my money where my mouth is and signed up for the #iWillRockThis weight loss challenge with Wendy.

Wendy Will Blog

If I win – I get multitudes of awesome prizes. If I don’t officially win… well, then I win just by losing weight I hadn’t worked at losing before. So really… it’s a win/win situation for me.

I need support. If you live near me, ask me to take a walk with you. If you don’t, maybe we can go on a virtual walk together. Maybe you have some great recipe or cooking ideas for this (seriously!) ever so picky eater. I’m going to work to get back to eating whole, real foods as my priority. But that means I have to go grocery shopping too.

If you are on My Fitness Pal or MapMyRun… be sure to find me there. I’d love for some support as I’m tracking my food each day.

I’m hoping that this “funk” I’m feeling after this morning’s weigh in will wear off soon… because I’m anxious to lose some weight and get back to a healthy life.

Comments

  1. Oh my friend, you know you have my full support! You can do this! Just remember, that number on the scale does not determine your worth. You are more than a number. You can do something about the number. And yes, YOU can. You can do this! Just take it one step at a time, one day at a time. And love yourself in the process….because you really are worth it!
    Alicia The Snowflake recently posted..WLWed: Eating Healthy on the RunMy Profile

  2. You can do it, Julie! I’ll go for virtual walls with you, and if you want to walk on the beach, come on down for a visit!

  3. YOU CAN DO THIS!

    I’ve seen that number on the scale before so I know how it feels to be in your position, looking down a loooong road to my goal. I can so relate. And I still have 70 lbs to go.

    However! You’ve got one advantage I’ve never had: You’ve done this before. You have the strength and fortitude within you to make this happen.

    Because you deserve it. You deserve a happy, healthy, beautiful, energetic, vibrant life. You deserve to feel good about yourself and your choices. You deserve to not feel as though you need to overeat in private.

    Focus on YOU. What makes you happy? Do more of it. What do you dream about? Make it happen. Stop telling yourself that you can’t. You’re the only one who can. What are you passionate about? Immerse yourself in it. Stop putting up blocks to your happiness and your goals – and you won’t need food so much anymore.

    I am ALWAYS here if you need to talk. Seriously. In case you couldn’t tell I’ve been doing a lot of thinking along these lines – I have, like, 10k words written about this at the moment.

    You have my number and my love.
    Mrs. Jen B recently posted..Elimination Diets and MeMy Profile

  4. Sara Joy says:

    I can’t imagine how hard it was to type this post. Hitting publish took immense courage.
    But you did it.
    And you can do this too, I know it. One step at a time, one choice at a time, one meal at a time. There are a lot of folks in your corner who probably don’t say much – I’ll start by saying I believe in you and am commiting to step up and be supportive (probably mostly on twitter but I’m here for you, mmmmk?).
    xoxo

  5. Congratulations on taking your journey public. You can do this!
    Amanda B. recently posted..Mamavation Monday (Tuesday Edition): Forward MotionMy Profile

  6. I’m so glad you committed to doing this with the group! I hear you loud and clear about the fast food, soda, and especially the over-eating in private. I do that a lot. When the family goes to bed, when I’m alone in the car. You name it. I definitely know where you’re coming from.
    But now is the time. You want to do it. You CAN do it! If you ever need to chat, I’m always around. I’m no expert, no fitness-guru, no diet-queen, but I can certainly relate.
    I’m rooting for you!
    Wendy recently posted..Time to Get this Party Started | #iwillrockthisMy Profile

  7. You have totally got this! I know that you can do it, and you are worthy of being who YOU want to be! Thank you for sharing your journey, you are an inspiration to me!
    Jen @ Creating Chaos Blog recently posted..Celebrating in JoyMy Profile

  8. Crayon Wrangler says:

    I support you. You can virtually walk with me. You are worth this. You are not a failure not matter how many times you fall. I love you!

  9. You GO, girl. I’m right there with you…after work tonight, I got a pedicure and then went next door to Smashburger and as I walked in the door of the house thought, “What the hell am I doing with a burger and fries?!” It’s not even something I think about anymore…and I think living alone (for me…don’t know if you live alone) just amplifies it. No reason to cook meals, it’s just me. Nobody will know if I skip a walk – AGAIN. Ugh.

    All this to say, I’m with you and will be cheering you on from Kzoo!

  10. This is incredible! You WILL do it and you are off to an incredibly motivated start. Woo hoo! I’m sorry I didn’t see this yesterday, or I’d have signed up with you. ;) But in the meantime I am happy to be a virtual walking friend and work together to check in. I’m not sure where you live, or I’d say we could do it in person, too! :> All the best and I look forward to watching you make it through this!!!
    Andrea recently posted..I’m giving you a set of business cards!My Profile

  11. I’m with ya! Weightloss is tough but let’s stick to it!!! Best when you have somebody to do it with. Can’t wait to hear more about your journey, keep on positing! Good luck.

  12. I’m a new reader but it’s clear to me that you are a very determined person. You CAN do this!!
    Robbie recently posted..Forever GoneMy Profile

  13. Looking forward to going on this challenge with you. We will rock it!
    Shelby Barone recently posted..Strawberry PickingMy Profile

  14. you are so brave and strong and AMAZING for sharing this, Julie! and like someone else said—you should have total confidence in yourself because you have done this before. It’s a matter of having goals, taking things a day (or an hour) at a time, and having a support system. Please consider me part of yours–you’ve got my digits. Use ‘em whenever you need them! xoxoxoxo
    erin margolin recently posted..Taking RisksMy Profile

  15. After reading your post, I sat down and wrote all the reasons I want to lose the weight I’ve regained. Then I made a plan for the week.

    We’ve both done it before, there’s no reason that we can’t again.

    =D

  16. Been there, heading there, don’t want to go there. I started therapy again after several months away because I have to figure out what’s going on in my head and why I’m turning to food again.

    Speaking of food, I made Ina Garten’s gazpacho this week and it’s AWESOME if you’re a fan of tomatoes. It’s very fresh, and while I haven’t calculated the points, the worst thing that went in it was 1/4 cup of olive oil. I’ve been on the hunt for a good gazpacho ever since trying some during one of our meetups at San Chez a couple of years ago. The recipe is on Food Network’s site if you want to check it out.
    Heather recently posted..Mischief managedMy Profile

  17. Aww hun, no fun. What kind of picky? I post two recipes a week right now…some of them are not so healthy, but a lot of them are. We are fairly adventurous eaters, but maybe I could point you at a few of the good ones if you gave me an idea of what you like…and I HATE cooking, so everything I put up is easy.

  18. I’m so sorry for how you’re feeling about yourself. I won’t say anything that sounds like I’m just patting you on the head and just fluffy stuff. I know this journey can’t be an easy one. Here’s to each step you take in the direction of your goal!! You can do it! I believe in you!
    Mimi recently posted..Sleep Number m7 Memory Foam BedMy Profile

  19. Best of luck to you girl. You can do it!!
    Michelle recently posted..Learning to let goMy Profile

  20. I am giving you a standing ovation right now! You are an amazing woman to share this painful season of your life. I know how hard it is to start down this weight loss journey. It doesn’t matter how big or how small your goal is – change is hard, especially when figuring out what caused the weight gain in the first place. For me, it was depression. And then the weight gain caused more depression. It was a vicious cycle. I have been using My Fitness Pal and Map My Fitness for months and it has certainly helped me. I’ve lost 17 pounds so far and still have another 8 to go. Best of luck to you! And if you need more support – find me too!

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