SOC Sunday: This is not who I am…

I have had a rough week (or a couple) and need to rest. The problem is I want to rest forever. Yes, like FOREVER forever. It’s hard to explain what I’m feeling right now. Hard to explain the processes my brain is using. Everything is hard to explain. Every moment of the day I want to cry. Every moment I feel like there is a weight on me that cannot be lifted.

So I took a break here on my blog… and for the most part on twitter… in the hopes that I could recover. In the hopes that I would feel like me – or a little closer to me – again soon.

But it’s not working. I’m not entirely sure of why… but I have suspicions. Things that I’m going to talk to a professional about in the coming days. Things that are making me really prioritize my life – and my commitments. Because right now, I am not healthy.

For the last 2 or so years, I envisioned myself as a writer someday. A person that could be creative and live anywhere, do anything and write about life… about dreams… or create works of art through words for others to browse through at their local bookstores. This was something that excited me. Something that made my heart whole and made me feel like I knew who I was.

Somewhere in the past year I abandoned this. Now I feel like I’m in jail.

I lost who I was. Who I am. What and who I want to be.

I have lost my dreams.

Then the other night as I was reading, something struck me – made me stop reading the book altogether… and pray. The way this author described herself is exactly how I’ve been feeling the past couple of weeks.

Every.Single.Word.

…I felt myself sinking back into the same pit of depression that I’d slid into so many times before – walking down the street longing to be hit by a truck, wondering if anyone would notice if I hopped a train and moved to the West Coast. I was right back in the middle of the insatiable need to get away from myself, to stop piling up pointless day upon pointless day, looking with disdain at everyone around me who soldiered on with no tangible hope that life might get any better. At my core, I was done soldiering on.

Now I need to figure out what exactly this means for me. And how I can continue to soldier on.

Hopefully that will happen this week. Or at least soon.

Because I don’t want to lose everything.

Quote is excerpt from the book “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not” by Trish Ryan (pg. 188)

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#SOCsunday

I’ll be honest – I broke the rules, this did take me a touch more than 5 minutes (because of the book quote) and I did correct my spelling errors. It just bugs me when I have them here.

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Comments

  1. Julie – I know personally how crushing it is to have a dream and lose it – and feel like a jail prisoner. I don’t know the specifics – but I get it.

    “the insatiable need to get away from myself” I get this too

    I have just prayed for you – I promise it was with heart – and intention and a little umph. I hope you find some good guidance. You have a good spirit about you – and you’re broken like the rest of us. I’m in your corner on this. You deserve better.

    May God Bless and Keep you

  2. Depression is a scary thing to deal with. I hope you find the help you need to do more than just soldier on. *hugs*

  3. I’m glad you are going to talk with someone, Julie. And for better or worse, it sounds like you’ve been needing to hit this point and make this realization for some time. Here’s to today being the start of something great and some peace for you.

  4. It’s great that you can acknowledge that you are in this place and will talk to someone about how you are feeling. I can understand completely…I’m in an out of the same place often. You may not be able to receive this right now, but you are an amazing writer, and your words are already impacting others. Prayers for you! :-)

  5. Hey – you’re the same kind of writer as me: the kind that knows what she’s supposed to be doing, but isn’t doing it. It can be absolutely demoralizing. I constantly ask myself “If this is important to you, why are you doing __ instead?” Then I see other people I know get published and I think “I’m better than that” and then “Am I really?” and then “Maybe I’m not.”

    BigbigBIG hug to you, lady.

  6. Oh Julie…as I read this I want to say “me too.” Here I am with 2 kids and instead of feeling fulfilled, I feel like I just keep losing a bit of me. I fancied myself a writer and cant remember the last time I wrote and felt really excited about it. I am glad you recognize where you are and want to do something about it. I will pray for you!

  7. Reading your post I feel that you still know a lot of things. You know that this is not who you are. That is really big. You know you need help to get back to where you want and need to be. Again really big. Sometimes the dreams we had for ourselves don’t always work out. The beautiful thing about that is we are free to pursue different dreams. I think your writing is phenomenal and you are helping so many people just by writing what you did today. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you are on the journey to get there. The bittersweet thing about dreams is that they don’t always lead us to the place we want to be, but we’ll never know that until we get there. Wishing you peace and tranquility of mind today.

  8. Julie,

    You are doing the right thing. It does sound like you need to talk to someone. Please let me know how I can help? I am no stranger to depression and have been going through my own stuff since Blissdom. Lots n’ lots o’ stuff. I am only a phone call away.

    You are NOT alone. Not ever. And if I hadn’t been so wrapped up in my own funkity funk? I’d have noticed you were in one and been a better friend.

    ;-(

    I love you. Please let me know when you see someone and what the outcome is, etc….

  9. Last week, I sent a prayer to God asking him to simply do for me, that I needed him to take over my body and mind for I simply had no idea where to go, what to do, or how to move forward without feeling as if my life was in complete despair.
    We try, often for too long, to soldier on as best as we can, and find ourselves falling. And yet at some point, our spirit does take over and offers us steps to get out of the pit. You prayed. You are making the decision to see someone and talk things out. These are all little steps that eventually build up strength and eventually gather their own momentum and create beauty.
    My creative struggle has lasted 10 years, and I still find myself in the pit of wondering what I have given up and who am I now. But every dip has taught me something, and so has every high. I always have to remind myself of that – otherwise the battle is lost.
    Keep writing, keep being, keep seeing the beauty within you, and keep fighting for your spirit, for you to shine through and to live a life worthy of your talents.

  10. The decision to actually TALK to someone about this? is so good!

    I was feeling like this myself… for so long. And I really thought I could handle it by myself. But I learned that I don’t have to. I can get help. And so can you. There is no shame in it.

    I’m sending love and peaceful, healing thoughts your way. I’d love to know how this all comes out.

  11. This sounds like depression to me or at the very least Seasonal Affective Disorder. I say that because it’s what happens to me every winter and, in fact, I’ve had similar feelings of helplessness and hopelessness lately as well.

    For me, therapy and medication are musts. If you need to talk, even though you don’t really know me, I’d be happy to be there for you.

    Good luck

  12. OH, Julie, I’ve been there. I’ve been wrestling with stuff that I thought I had settled a long time ago. I think it is so important to talk to a professional when there’s stuff to sort through, when you need to figure out why your dreams have been set to the side. Something that helped me just yesterday is Sarah Mae’s e-book (http://www.corelies.com/core_lies.pdf), which inspired my post today. Give yourself time to process and let the tears come, even when you don’t want them to. I’m only a phone call away. I look forward to your visit this summer in the meantime- we can talk through our dreams and figure out how we’re going to make them happen.

  13. You are good and brave and you’re doing just the right thing: sharing where you’re at, seeking help, recognizing that it’s a problem. Thank you for trusting us with it. I really hope you are feeling better soon.

  14. O, dear one, my heart truly reaches out to you. I also know intimately what you’re describing & I always hurt to know that others experience this same pain. I’d never wish it on anyone! I also know there is help & HOPE. I encourage you to reach out for some guidance & medication. It can make all the difference. I send you PEACE.

  15. I wish you the best of luck and strength to do whatever it is that you decide to do. :)

  16. I’m glad you’re wanting to get to the bottom of it, it’s a very good sign. Whenever a deep part of us has to take a back seat to life, it exacts a toll. I wish you well.

  17. First, I’d just like to reach out and give you a hug. Second, I’d like to commend you for you honesty and courage. Third, I’d like to assure you that you are not alone. I hope that you have the strength to figure out your direction and how to get back on track. *hugs*

  18. Hey Julie,
    I think I know this feeling. Sometimes I look around and heave a huge sigh. And the “rest forever” feeling? That is how I deal with my depression and anxiety–well before the meds and therapist. Although from time to time I do want to sleep forever…not be dead…just…SLEEP. Because the world is somewhere else when you are sleeping.

    I get that.

    And hey…if you need a buddy…let me know. We could figure a way to meet up.

    And lastly? Here is a giant bear hug for you {HUG!}

  19. Just Call Me Lynn says:

    You are not alone, my friend. There are days when I just can’t imagine continuing on because I am so far off course from what I had planned. We have to remember that God is so much bigger than we could ever imagine. He DOES have a plan. We simply need to listen and obey. Follow Him.

    I will be praying for you!

  20. Oh Julie. You are self-aware. That’s about a million times better than most people out there. It wasn’t until I was almost 40 that I even began to realize what my dreams were. I was just soldiering on waiting for something to happen. You definitely have to make choices. And sometimes it’s scary, especially when you are alone. But you have a whole community that loves and supports you. Remember when we were tweeting #comeon700??

    As for the professional side of things, I’ve been to 3 therapists (some good, some not) and I love it. They won’t fix your problems. They’ll help you discover your path for fixing them yourself. {hugs} to you, Julie.

  21. Julie, I can really and truly relate. You’re not alone in this big world and we all care a lot about you. Dont’ forget that. But still, sometimes it helps to talk to someone. I’ve honestlly had the number for our employee assistance program at work in my phone for 3 weeks. Two weeks ago I was going to call and make an appointment, but I was taking care of the baby and didn’t get around to it. Feeling liek you’ve lost yourself is a terrible feeling, but not one you can’t get past, and not that you won’t find yourself again. Big hugs to you my dear!!

  22. I can’t offer more support than the commenters who have come before me, but I will just say that in my observations on your blog/Twitter feed, you have done a wonderful job of building a community of friends and artists around you. SO many people who appreciate your presence in their world.

    Delighted to hear that you’re going to get help. You are not alone, and you deserve to be healthy.

  23. This post sounds like an echo from so many of the nights I spent wanting to runaway or scream or feeling as though I would shatter if someone breathed on me the wrong way. The only thing that got me through was the promise that God made to me one night… the night I HAD to look up this verse:

    Isaiah 51:3

    You might recognize it. It’s part if the tattoo that I’ve been showing off lately. I put it where the world could see so that I could share the story if the hope that lies within. One day, dear lady, you will have an awesome story to share. For now, know that you can reach out to those that have felt your anguish.

    Love.

  24. How well do I know these feelings. You are a beautiful writer and person, Julie. Do what you need to find your happiness. Clearly, there is a huge community of people who care about you. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, even if it’s just a virtual hug. Because I am quite certain the line will be long of those who want to support you. Starting with me. Hugs, my friend.

  25. You are in my prayers. I have felt a lot like this, so hopefully God will lead you to a place when you can connect with him and regenerate. I pray that you find His will for you!

  26. Being in a place where you are aware of what is happening to you and seeking help…..those are really good things, in the midst of all the bad.

    I’ve been in that dark place of lost dreams and depression many times. I’ll be praying for you!

  27. Julie, you are a beautiful person and a wonderful writer. I am so sorry that you are feeling like this and I hope that you can find some peace. I have a totally random question- have you ever had your thyroid checked? My sister was feeling like this for a few months and finally found out her thyroid was TOTALLY out of whack…just a thought.

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